My Legendary Black Thumb

I have always warned people: DO NOT GIVE ME PLANTS, I KILL EVERYTHING. And no one believes me, so now, here's the proof.  THIS is the fate that awaits greenery unlucky enough to find its way into my care.  I CAN KILL BAMBOO.

Go ahead and do a search on these beauties. You'll find all three touted as "Impossible to Kill" and "Hearty Houseplants for Beginners." So, clearly, I'm a professional. I CAN KILL BAMBOO.